“i’m scared. can i sleep with you?”
“are you really scared?” i replied. “or do you just want to snuggle.”
you didn’t answer, you were fast asleep.
“i’m in trouble, i need to sit on my bed.”
“are you really in trouble?” i replied. “or do you want to be in the room with me?”
you didn’t answer, you were playing with my toys.
i showed you everything. how to pick out your clothing. how to brush out your tangles. the proper way eat a cupcake and the best places for hide and seek.
i showed you the radio stations that were worth listening to.
i introduced you to the movie classics that all teenage girls need to love.
and for the most part, i never led you astray. for the most part, i did a good job.
i stuck up for you, defended you and all around scared off the bullies.
but i lied to you and i didn’t even realize it until recently. and i am sorry. if i could do it all over again, i would be wiser. i would be better prepared.
i told you motherhood would be the best thing in your life. i told you it would be wonderful. i told you it would be beautiful. i told you it would be absolutely perfect.
but i forgot to tell you that it might be painful.
and while i know it has been wonderful, because now you are a mom.
and while i know it has been beautiful, because eisley hope is beautiful.
and while maybe motherhood has been the best thing in your life, it has also been the worst thing in your life. and the most painful. and the most devastating.
i’m sorry i didn’t warn you. i am sorry i told you it would be perfect. i am sorry i forgot to tell you that it might hurt so much, so deep, so strong.
i know you will tell me that it isn’t my fault. i know you will tell me that i couldn’t have known.
but in my heart i will always know i promised you beautiful, perfect motherhood and you bravely wore the messier, more painful version.
