Category

family

{i’m trying}

By eisleyhope, family

one month ago, my beautiful niece left this place called the world. i have been trying to write a blog post for the past month and i have deleted at least twenty attempts.

i don’t know why. my mind is still spinning and sometimes if i think too much about it, i suddenly can’t breathe and things go dark and quiet.

life sucks. and yet life is amazing. i look at my younger child, blonde and feisty. she keeps me on my toes but oh she is amazing. i analyze my oldest, freckled and fiery. she is so smart, it blows me away.

and i don’t know why.

i wanted my girls to have another cousin. i had saved every single matching addy/mercy cute outfit because the mercy/eisley age difference was going to be perfect.

life is just cruel sometimes.

this past month i have been doing a lot of searching, reading, thinking. trying to figure out what terms Jesus and i are on. if that shocks you, i am guessing you haven’t reached a crisis of faith yet. i know i have and i am strangely okay with that. i know i will get through and i know my faith will be even deeper than before.

i’m just not through yet. and i am not rushing. i need to figure some things out and i need them to change the way i think and act and do. i need to take time to let Jesus reveal himself to me in an even more intimate way than before.

but last night as i lay in bed…i had a revelation. i was talking to my sister, my husband and a friend. and my revelation was this simple. doctrinally, i believe 100% in the mystery of God. he is mysterious and his ways are a mystery. in other words, there are parts of him and parts of my faith i do not and will never understand on this earth, using my humanly thinking. as a teenager growing up, i was misled to believe that if i studied enough and learned enough, i, in my great and mighty abilities, would be able to fully understand God and all his ways…down to the last greek and hebrew letter.

i was raised with a lie. there really isn’t a nicer way to say it. i am not that great and i will never be that amazing. i think there is a reason we are told to have the faith of a child. my children have the most amazing thought processes, especially when they don’t fully grasp something.

and suddenly i found great comfort. something i have seen people saying (in regards to eisley’s death) that has bothered me is “praise Jesus.” see, i had a problem with that, because absolutely zero of me wants to in anyway say “praise Jesus.” but then it hit me…i don’t have to. gasp all you want, i don’t mind. see…if i believe in the mystery of Jesus (which i do) that means that while someday (heaven) i will understand his ways, right now…try as i might, i will never understand all his ways.

which means that maybe on this earth, using my humanly thinking, i might never (that’s right, never ever) praise Jesus over eisley’s death. and i think that is perfectly okay. i have complete peace that my Savior doesn’t actually care if i am praising him specifically pertaining to eisley’s death. he knows i have chosen to believe even when i haven’t felt like it. he knows i am walking forward, choosing to have faith that he is with me and he will always be with me. he knows he is my beloved and i am his. and that is all he really cares about, in my little itty bitty humble opinion.

i am very thankful he is mysterious and infinite and i am human and mortal. and i am pretty sure that is the best place for me to be right now.

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eisley hope klein hutchinson, i will never be the same. you changed me and i am eternally thankful for that. i don’t miss you any less today than i missed you last month. the pain in my heart doesn’t actually feel less right now. but baby girl, i will keep going…your mama and daddy will keep going…we are so very, very grateful for the twelve days you gave us. sleep soundly little girl, i am coming to see you someday.

mama’s dress

By america, family, mercyadoniyah

grammie saved a special dress of mine and it was finally mercy’s turn to wear it. addy also wore it when she was three years old. that means this dress was worn in 1981, 2011 and 2015. pretty special if you ask me!

 

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.ababy.

By america, family, holidays

sarah and tanner had a gender-discovering-ultrasound and i had the privilege of knowing and surprising them. on christmas day, we voted and then they opened up this onesie i appliquéd for them.

 

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there is a little girl growing in there, if you are still unsure!

 

 

the mountains

By family, romania, travel

just a few phone pictures of our day trip to the mountains. sinaia is the easy-to-get-to-tourist-destination for all bucharest visitors i think. but hey. it’s pretty. and fun. and there is a castle and my kids like castles.

 

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