one month ago, my beautiful niece left this place called the world. i have been trying to write a blog post for the past month and i have deleted at least twenty attempts.

i don’t know why. my mind is still spinning and sometimes if i think too much about it, i suddenly can’t breathe and things go dark and quiet.

life sucks. and yet life is amazing. i look at my younger child, blonde and feisty. she keeps me on my toes but oh she is amazing. i analyze my oldest, freckled and fiery. she is so smart, it blows me away.

and i don’t know why.

i wanted my girls to have another cousin. i had saved every single matching addy/mercy cute outfit because the mercy/eisley age difference was going to be perfect.

life is just cruel sometimes.

this past month i have been doing a lot of searching, reading, thinking. trying to figure out what terms Jesus and i are on. if that shocks you, i am guessing you haven’t reached a crisis of faith yet. i know i have and i am strangely okay with that. i know i will get through and i know my faith will be even deeper than before.

i’m just not through yet. and i am not rushing. i need to figure some things out and i need them to change the way i think and act and do. i need to take time to let Jesus reveal himself to me in an even more intimate way than before.

but last night as i lay in bed…i had a revelation. i was talking to my sister, my husband and a friend. and my revelation was this simple. doctrinally, i believe 100% in the mystery of God. he is mysterious and his ways are a mystery. in other words, there are parts of him and parts of my faith i do not and will never understand on this earth, using my humanly thinking. as a teenager growing up, i was misled to believe that if i studied enough and learned enough, i, in my great and mighty abilities, would be able to fully understand God and all his ways…down to the last greek and hebrew letter.

i was raised with a lie. there really isn’t a nicer way to say it. i am not that great and i will never be that amazing. i think there is a reason we are told to have the faith of a child. my children have the most amazing thought processes, especially when they don’t fully grasp something.

and suddenly i found great comfort. something i have seen people saying (in regards to eisley’s death) that has bothered me is “praise Jesus.” see, i had a problem with that, because absolutely zero of me wants to in anyway say “praise Jesus.” but then it hit me…i don’t have to. gasp all you want, i don’t mind. see…if i believe in the mystery of Jesus (which i do) that means that while someday (heaven) i will understand his ways, right now…try as i might, i will never understand all his ways.

which means that maybe on this earth, using my humanly thinking, i might never (that’s right, never ever) praise Jesus over eisley’s death. and i think that is perfectly okay. i have complete peace that my Savior doesn’t actually care if i am praising him specifically pertaining to eisley’s death. he knows i have chosen to believe even when i haven’t felt like it. he knows i am walking forward, choosing to have faith that he is with me and he will always be with me. he knows he is my beloved and i am his. and that is all he really cares about, in my little itty bitty humble opinion.

i am very thankful he is mysterious and infinite and i am human and mortal. and i am pretty sure that is the best place for me to be right now.

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eisley hope klein hutchinson, i will never be the same. you changed me and i am eternally thankful for that. i don’t miss you any less today than i missed you last month. the pain in my heart doesn’t actually feel less right now. but baby girl, i will keep going…your mama and daddy will keep going…we are so very, very grateful for the twelve days you gave us. sleep soundly little girl, i am coming to see you someday.

Marie Klein Burtt

About Marie Klein Burtt

5 Comments

  • Michele says:

    Marie, your heartfelt words are beautiful and I am in love with your great love for your sweet Eisley. Thanks for grieving openly with us and allowing the grace of God and the love of God show in the midst of your pain. Most of us grieve silently and therefore infer that we arent hurting. Your honesty is most helpful to the body of Christ as we weep alongside you and wait for the peace coming your way and ours.
    Love you Sister

  • Shannon Klem says:

    Marie, thank you for being so honest. I grieve with and for your family at the loss of such a sweet little longed for babe! Just 6 months ago a nephew of mine was tragically killed in a car accident and the pain is still fresh and still so unbelievable. My heart aches for your sister and mine. Unfortunately, my sister doesn’t know Jesus and I it breaks me that she has no hope. I know that we all have to face death but it is so confusing and just plain lousy. Hugs to you.

  • Julianne says:

    I love the honesty. You are so right about the mystery of God. I think it’s right to praise Jesus for the perfect 12 days she did have though!! Praying for Sarah and Tanner and all of Eisley’s loved ones 🙁 my heart breaks for you all and I wish there was some magical words I could say to help ease the pain. I pray Jesus’ amazing unique peace would just fall on you and saturate you all!

    With love,
    Julianne

    • Marie says:

      yes thank you for that reminder – – i am so very thankful Jesus gave us those twelve special days with her, to love her and hold her. i am a different person in a good way because of those twelve perfect days.

  • Sarah says:

    well…. I’m not alone….
    Neither are you.
    Your words are a comfort to my sole. I do not, will not, have not and don’t hope to praise God for the Death of my beloved sister. I think that’s ok because as you say ” we know not the ways of God” and for that reason my tiny imperfect brain can’t yet grasp Gods ways or His Thoughts & plans. He promises us he has a Perfect Plan for each of us, but I am unable to grasp that in this world. Why did God take them away? We may never know this side of heaven. I can praise God for the promise of seeing our dear ones again, but not for taking them away from our arms. The pain I feel is as strong today as the day Holly Entered Heaven. Grief is weird like that it has no expiration date. The Love you felt was too strong to just let go & therfore we must just remain steadfast and Praise God for what’s to come. This world can be cruel & marvelous both… But remember this world is not our home. Love you all deeply, praying for you constantly and crying for you too. Thank you for writing this letter because it reflects the true heart.
    If only heaven wernt so far away…
    I am sure where they are in that place beyond the clouds Holly is with her telling little sweet Eisley in her fiery animated spirit which we all loved, all about her family here on Earth 🙂
    Come quickly Lord Jesus

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