i didnt forget you baby. i am sorry if i have been too busy. but here it is anyway – – your birthday post just
a day a week late.
you are really growing up. the past few weeks have been a somewhat harsh reminder of that. we’ve had a few bumps and while nothing horrible – – they are just reminders that you are you. that you are responsible for your choices and actions. and that i am just your caretaker for a very short time.
the first time i held you, i was still numb and paralyzed thanks to your surprise c-section entry. they laid you on my chest, you were so little, so helpless. and suddenly i was it – – i needed to do everything for you and you adored everything about me. everything i said was right. everything i did was perfect. dont get me wrong, we made a couple mistakes together but we were a team. i said green and you ran, i said red and you stopped.
you had a super simple childhood. you got the shuffle sometimes, but you never minded. you got three sisters when you were a year old and lost them before you were two. for a month after they left, you would hold our family picture and carress their faces and cry over your loss. you gained a brother, a puppy and a pregnant mama before you were two and oh what a stress few months those were.
we moved overseas and left all our family behind when you were three. and oh my goodness you were my mini helper. i could buckle your sissy in her portable high chair and you could feed her an entire bowl of food. you loved to work with me, create with me and do things my way. you and i, we had this bond, this music that connected both of us.
and we still have that bond and that music. but as it twists and changes and as you test your wings already, my throat catches and my heart stops and i find myself sitting here, not quite sure what to do next. you can do the basics of survival without me. your teeth are brushed, you comb your own hair, you can choose a decent outfit, you can make a basic meal and you can wash the dishes afterwards.
and you dont need me the way you used to. i dont have to kiss every owie or brush the dirt of your tummy when you fall or wipe the dried yogurt from your cheek. i dont need to rock you to sleep and whisper in your ear that there are no monsters behind the bookcase. it feels like every day you need me less and less at least in a physical sense.
and then last night you cried yourself to sleep in my arms as you tried to figure out this crazy thing called life and choice and cause and effect. and as you buried your head into my chest and i carressed you blond curls, i was once again reminded that just because im not your save all, do all, life source anymore – – that doesnt mean you dont need me.
you just need me differently. i cant just give you a time out for smacking your sister cause well, you dont smack your sister anymore. now i find myself with my hand on your shoulder, showing you two roads and explaining the better choice. but now i cant take your hand and lead you down the right road and while it stinks, i know it is right.
so instead i find myself holding my breath, watching, waiting, praying for you, whisper crazy-mama-pleas that you will choose truth and right and good and kind and loving. but only you can choose that and my baby girl, that just sucks. also i am sorry for being the one to teach you to say “that sucks” and “well crap.” i wish i could blame your father but i cant.
and last night as i lay awake in my bed long after you were asleep and thought about you and how amazing you are and how strong you are and how courageous you are and how stubborn you are and how many gray hairs you have already given me – – i had some pretty deep realizations. you need me to love you, no matter what. even if you take the wrong road, the road that i know will have painful consequences, what you need to know is that I love you and I will always love you no matter what. That I am here for you and I will always be here for you no matter what. Even if you go away and I dont hear from you and when you show up, I dont even recognize you – – I am your mama and I will always be your mama and nothing you can do will make me stop loving you.
dont get me wrong. i am still gonna cry over your first tattoo even though your mama has her own. and i am gonna glare at your first boyfriend you bring home – – those deep peircing glares cause well, you know, i am suppose. and dont get me started i will probably throw my hands up in the air a few times while you are switching your major and spending the summer backpacking around asia instead of working a job and saving money. and heaven knows when you call me to tell me you crashed and totaled your grammie’s brand new car, well i will be a little bit upset. (oh wait, that was me – – never mind, skip that example.)
so addysen grace klein burtt, or ady with one d as you prefer, i love you very much even when you eat gluten that i know hurts your body but you just aren’t convinced yet. cause i know someday you will once again look at me and see the wisest wizzard of a mom there ever was. of course that probably won’t happen until you are 34 and have a 4 year old and a 7 year old and realize you are just another clueless mama in this thing called life. but guess what, i won’t tell you “i told ya so.” i will just hold squeeze your hand and smile softly to myself.