dear son,

today is the day i didn’t want to come. i don’t know why but this one year mark feels so final, so complete, so deep, so real, so raw, so very much the end.

today is the anniversary of the day i decided to love you as my son.

sunday, february 14th, 2016.

i will never forget it. i will never forget how i felt when i knew in my heart the answer was yes. i will never forget the moment i loved you as my son.

i have flashed back to this day a million times this past year. i have wondered if i made the right choice. i have wondered if i should have protected addy and mercy better or protected my heart better.

many people have told me, “marie, you made the right choice. i truly believe you saved noelan’s life from someone threatening to hurt him if he wasn’t out of their home.”

but i realize something else, sweet boy of mine.

i realize that you saved my life.

you have taught me to love in a way i didn’t know possible. you have taught me to love addy and mercy and christian in a way i didn’t understand before i loved and lost you. you have shown me the heart of the Father in an intimate way i would never had understood without you. i have loved you and lost you and yet i still love you.

i will always love you sweet boy and i will always be your mama. but i miss you noelan truth. and i don’t think that i will ever stop missing you.

love, mama

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Marie Klein Burtt

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