one month ago, my beautiful niece left this place called the world. i have been trying to write a blog post for the past month and i have deleted at least twenty attempts.
i don’t know why. my mind is still spinning and sometimes if i think too much about it, i suddenly can’t breathe and things go dark and quiet.
life sucks. and yet life is amazing. i look at my younger child, blonde and feisty. she keeps me on my toes but oh she is amazing. i analyze my oldest, freckled and fiery. she is so smart, it blows me away.
and i don’t know why.
i wanted my girls to have another cousin. i had saved every single matching addy/mercy cute outfit because the mercy/eisley age difference was going to be perfect.
life is just cruel sometimes.
this past month i have been doing a lot of searching, reading, thinking. trying to figure out what terms Jesus and i are on. if that shocks you, i am guessing you haven’t reached a crisis of faith yet. i know i have and i am strangely okay with that. i know i will get through and i know my faith will be even deeper than before.
i’m just not through yet. and i am not rushing. i need to figure some things out and i need them to change the way i think and act and do. i need to take time to let Jesus reveal himself to me in an even more intimate way than before.
but last night as i lay in bed…i had a revelation. i was talking to my sister, my husband and a friend. and my revelation was this simple. doctrinally, i believe 100% in the mystery of God. he is mysterious and his ways are a mystery. in other words, there are parts of him and parts of my faith i do not and will never understand on this earth, using my humanly thinking. as a teenager growing up, i was misled to believe that if i studied enough and learned enough, i, in my great and mighty abilities, would be able to fully understand God and all his ways…down to the last greek and hebrew letter.
i was raised with a lie. there really isn’t a nicer way to say it. i am not that great and i will never be that amazing. i think there is a reason we are told to have the faith of a child. my children have the most amazing thought processes, especially when they don’t fully grasp something.
and suddenly i found great comfort. something i have seen people saying (in regards to eisley’s death) that has bothered me is “praise Jesus.” see, i had a problem with that, because absolutely zero of me wants to in anyway say “praise Jesus.” but then it hit me…i don’t have to. gasp all you want, i don’t mind. see…if i believe in the mystery of Jesus (which i do) that means that while someday (heaven) i will understand his ways, right now…try as i might, i will never understand all his ways.
which means that maybe on this earth, using my humanly thinking, i might never (that’s right, never ever) praise Jesus over eisley’s death. and i think that is perfectly okay. i have complete peace that my Savior doesn’t actually care if i am praising him specifically pertaining to eisley’s death. he knows i have chosen to believe even when i haven’t felt like it. he knows i am walking forward, choosing to have faith that he is with me and he will always be with me. he knows he is my beloved and i am his. and that is all he really cares about, in my little itty bitty humble opinion.
i am very thankful he is mysterious and infinite and i am human and mortal. and i am pretty sure that is the best place for me to be right now.
eisley hope klein hutchinson, i will never be the same. you changed me and i am eternally thankful for that. i don’t miss you any less today than i missed you last month. the pain in my heart doesn’t actually feel less right now. but baby girl, i will keep going…your mama and daddy will keep going…we are so very, very grateful for the twelve days you gave us. sleep soundly little girl, i am coming to see you someday.
